One hot summer day in July, Chris and Jerry decided to take the jet ski's out to Folsom Lake and endulge in the hot summer. The lake was a dark, vivid blue, sparkling with magic. Magic that would be put to work in a couple of hours.
After a long ride on the ski's, Chris and Jerry pulled into shore and grabbed a couple cold ones. One thing led to another and somehow they had ended up performing yoga moves on each other. When all was said and done, they packed up and headed home.
Fast forward to December 26, 1994. The house phone rang. Sadly, the call had interrupted the Flinstones. Jerry was told that his dad had passed away from a sudden heart attack in his home in Pollock Pines. This was the worst possible time for Jerry. He had just been laid off from his job, and now his dad all of a sudden passes away.
Cody James Cova was born on January 9, 1995, at 7:33 p.m. To Jerry, Cody was a sign of hope. Cody was the reason that Jerry kept everything together and didn't just burst. Cody was why Jerry strived to be successful. To this day, Cody still has the same effect.
Yoga moves. Nice one.
ReplyDeleteI love your writing voice. It's very you. Like, I can see you in your writing.
I like how I wasn't confused at all about this piece. Basically you were very clear about the sequence of events. Then again, how much variation is there, REALLY, in .......events like this. Not the point. Your description of the lake was very simple but at the same time showed me the lake, I like how you didn't slow it down with cumbersome descriptions and analogies and stuff.
I'm just gonna tell you to watch out for cliches, like "when all was said and done" in your second paragraph and stuff. Other than that, well done.
This story was really funny and well written. My favorite part was "Sadly, the call had interrupted the Flinstones." My only cold comment would be that you should talk more about who they both are.
ReplyDeletesomething you need to work on is more sensory details better transition words
ReplyDelete